The concept of “last words” is as silly as the rest of this. Wait, are you trying to ruin funerals? This is how people grieve. Yeah. Which is why it’s so tragic that the American funeral industry needlessly exploits that grief for profit. Case in point the expensive and useless process of embalming which was popularized during the civil war. After Lincoln was assassinated, the government paraded his corpse around the country in order to showcase the hero’s sacrifice. but, that’s not what the people took away from it. Oh my gosh, Abe has been dead for weeks and he still looks fly as hell. Honestly, anyone who is anyone gets pumped full of chemicals. But for those of us whose bodies aren’t going on tour, embalming is totally pointless. Why would you need to be preserved right before they bury you in the dirt? Isn’t the whole point to decompose? Embalming gives dignity to the deceased. Yes, it’s respectful. -“Respectful?” What do you think embalming is? It’s like a spa day! for a dead body. Exactly!
Embalming is the least respectful thing you can do to a body. First: the jaw is wired shut; the eyes are sealed with glue. Then, the internal organs are punctured and drained through a hole in the abdomen. After that, they pump the arteries full of formaldehyde and stuff the internal cavities full of cotton. I don’t want to puke in front of a dead body. Fair enough. But the entire process is a pointless waste of time. Because even though funeral directors tell their vulnerable, grieving customers, Embalming is necessary if you want an open casket and it keeps the body safe and sanitary. None of it is true. Refrigeration is cheaper and just as effective as embalming and the World Health Organization states that dead bodies pose nearly no health risks to the living. It’s completely safe to touch them.
Which is ironic because formaldehyde isn’t safe. It’s a carcinogen. Why do I still do this? Just one reason these guys charge a graveload of money to do it. Let’s not talk about the body so much, let’s talk about how beautiful this casket is. Yeah, it better be beautiful. It’s one of the most expensive things you’ll ever buy. Funeral homes can charge upwards of grand for a coffin. The lid is titanium-steel. It’s lined with mink fur and it comes with free WiFi. It’s what pa-pop would’ve wanted. Do you have any cheaper options? Well, for those who don’t love their pa-pop, we do have this “My Loved One Deserved to Die” model. You will need to decide quickly, the funeral is tomorrow.
You might as well be buried with thousand dollars in cash. Well, it’s nice to support local businesses. Actually, a lot of local funeral homes are owned by a megacorporation named SCI that buys up mom-and-pop shops but keeps the old name so no one notices. They really are a cash cow. They can’t make that much money. Well, maybe you’ll believe SCI treasurer Aaron Foley who told investors We really are a cash cow. Because you didn’t confront your mortality and decide how you’d want to be buried while you were still alive, you will probably bankrupt getting you a regular funeral.